Going Up the Hill... to Roll Right Back Down Again!

Okay, time to catch everyone up. First of all, I have been seeing someone to help me get my life back on track and so far, I seem to be doing so. I'm taking an Algebra I class and, after that, I should be able to get into the University of Maine in Orono. Sometime in June, I'll finally be starting Driver's Ed and be able to drive a car. When I can drive a car, then I can feel comfortable with attempting to get a job that I can actually get to every day. As soon as I can do that, I can get a car that I can then take into town whenever I want to as well as actually move out of my mother's house.

Now then, I've taken huge steps in my life goals. I've discovered my true aspiration to become a comic book artist, I am getting my life back on track, and I am slowly coming more and more out of my shell as a person. However, with the positive comes the negative.

I got a letter in the mail today that my bank account was closed because I paid $70.00 for the Algebra I class that I was supposed to attend. I had over $120 in my account when I did this. What the letter stated was that I, in fact, had only $20.00 in my account and, because I paid more than I had, my account got closed. This has made me lose faith in other people when it comes to finances and that I need to read the fine print on anything that touches my finances.

Next up, the Voice Acting Contest I was going to hold has gone from being a fantastic idea to an ulcer-inducing panic to a panel that I, the panel creator, don't even know what the hell is going on with it anymore. First, my panel moved from its initial timeslot at Friday 3PM-5PM (A fantastic and ideal timeslot) to Saturday 9AM-11AM (A hellish timeslot) because the voice actor guests needed it for their time. Now I was irritated, but I pressed forward. Next thing I knew, I started getting quite a few dropouts until I was left with only about two people. Seeing this, I decided to E-mail Julie (the person responsible for running the entire convention) that I was going to cancel the contest.

Now I know her intentions were pure when she e-mailed me about not wanting me to cancel it, but rather turn it into another voice acting panel, but this is just overwhelming me at this point. Apparently what's going to happen is that the voice actor guests are going to ninja the first half of the timeslot and then put on a contest during the second half. Now I normally wouldn't bat an eyelash at this and just shout "The Show Must Go On!", but I've had a fantastically large variety of things going wrong lately that I'm just not in the mindset to get on with this. Therefore, I decided to just put it in Julie's hands. I want my time at Portcon to be a vacation, not work. I deal with enough at home as it is.

Speaking of home... it's trashed and that doesn't help my stress level in the slightest. Oh, I have tried to help keep it clean by taking care of things that I take out, but in recent months, I've just given up because I also live with my younger brother who thinks way way too highly of himself and his friends to give a flying fuck about anyone else. Yes, I did just say 'fuck'. I am in the mindset right now where I don't care what profanities I say at this point in time.

My younger brother is my polar opposite in terms of personality. He is inconsiderate of other people's feelings, he's a slob while he's at home, he trusts his friends much more than his family despite the fact that the very same friends have treated him like a puppet and a general lackey for the longest time, he treats my mother as if she should be HONORED to be able to house his presence, allow HIM to use my mother's PC, allow HER to buy HIM electronics after he breaks them from very aggressive use, and heavens forbid he should actually be told that he's being wrong because he'll punch walls, scream his lungs out, and throw things. I know that if it was more than telling him that one of his friends MIGHT be on drugs, then I fear for my mother's personal welfare. He's a psycopath who should be placed in a psychiatric facility where he's not a danger to himself, others, or the property of others.

Now my mother is someone that I can, at times, get along with. In fact, we do have some common interests. However, sometimes our personalities can clash. We have had our differences and we have yelled at each other in arguments, but the fact of the matter is that, aside from all of that, we know what we need to do to make sure that this house stays in order and I make sure that I don't do or say anything that I would not seriously regret later.

On the topic of repercussions, I will say right now that I watch everything I say or do when I am around anyone and it has caused me to be rather antisocial with people. A valid example is with my younger brother. Countless times I have wanted to shout at him about how much I hate him or punch him in the face. However, I do not because that would escalate drama for other people in the house as well as the fact that I believe that he would actually try to damage my stuff if I ever attempted such a thing.

...and I know a lot of people I know would never be so hyper-critical of everything I say or do, but I am always cautious about other people. I never say anything that I don't think that I would regret later. I never do anything that I don't think that I would regret later. I watch my own actions very carefully and I make sure that they are not inconvenienced more than I need them to be in reaction to my own personal feelings.

And yes, at times I have acted like a douchebag towards people with a passive-aggressive attitude or by greatly asserting my opinions on others, but those situations only occur with certain people at certain times. When I put on a passive-aggressive attitude, it's towards people that I do NOT want to talk to. For example, almost everyone in my father's side of the family, my younger brother, and one or two people at the local game shop that I go to, Games Unlimited.

When I'm greatly asserting my opinions on others, it's only when I feel genuinely hurt by what other people have to say and when their words or actions affect me in such a manner. Such topics include the following, followed by a detailed description why such topics strike a nerve with me:

-Complaining that you just got a new job: Now I don't care if you complain about the pay, or your co-workers, or even your boss. That stuff's perfectly normal and I don't care. But when you start complaining that you have to actually get off your lazy fat ass and go to work, you better be ready for a fucking tongue lashing. Some people aren't so lucky as to even have a job! Right now, I could get a job whenever I wanted, but I choose not to because I know, with 90% certainty, that I would never EVER be able to hold it. If I could have a job that I could hold onto, I would take it right here and right now. You have no right to complain about receiving something that a portion of the entire United States population only wishes they could attain. Don't you FUCKING DARE complain about working in front of me.

-Street Gangs: I really don't want to deal with this subject at all ever. Now I understand that sometimes people like to make fun of this whole fad, but even then it's iffy because it still a topic that hurts me. Now I will say right now that no one in my family, to my knowledge, has ever been killed or brutally injured by a gang of any sort. However, my younger brother believes himself to be a part of a gang and, because of this, he feels that he has the right and the authority to make himself known as a gangsta. He dresses like some uptown gangsta wannabe, white baseball cap, shirts with black and white designs on them like you see at the mall... he even gossips on the phone nonstop about 'thug life' and how he's 'being brought down by the man' and all that nonsense. He's made me hate him so much, that bringing up his very interests boils my blood.

-Leniency: Now if I was given a valid excuse to be more lenient on someone in terms of tutoring, punishing, or what have you, such as them being a child or them having a harder time understanding without raging, then I would be okay with it. However, every day I see my mother being yelled at by my younger brother for just about everything under the sun, putting holes through the walls and the doors, and throwing things. I always argue with her about how she needs to call the police to make sure he doesn't harm someone else or damage any more of the house, but she always uses his mental disabilities as an excuse. Now last I checked, he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, same as me. There is no way in HELL I would EVER EVER rage like that.

Anyway, there are other assorted things, but there are usually complicated circumstances tied within them. Also, I am usually very hard to insult when the above three topics are not even touched upon.

I'm very sorry for writing as much as I have, but I just feel that all of it needs to be said and I just had a lot of rage that I needed to get out and my best friend wasn't available for me to vent to. Also, I did exaggerate on a couple points just so the readers could get the general idea on how I feel about it, but everything I spoke about my younger brother and his tantrums is the absolute truth. He does scream. He does punch holes through the walls of my mother's house. He does throw objects. He also slams his door repeatedly over and over. But anyway, I feel a little better getting all of this out and I hope that things start looking better one of these days.